Uber....Modern Day Meditation Technique

You know you are a crazy ass white guy when you are getting aggravated and your coping mechanism is to watch the Uber cars move around on the map. Yep, pretty much sums up how I meditate in a tense situation. Pretty much only a solution for the first world..... #firstworldsolutions

Flyers Beware.....the Bloodclotters

When flying most people dread sitting next to the "clydesdale" crowd (overweight). I on other hand am absoultely, postiveily, terrified, petrified of what I like to call the "clotters." Typically, these are the people you look at and say, "Aren't they amazing getting around at this age. I want to be like them when I"m older." They have their nice flying clothes on and typically are reading a book.

I on the other hand say, "Oh shit, these are clotters." What I mean is these will be the folks that when we just barely left the ground on take off or hit a really rough patch decide they need to stand because of their clots. Now they can hardly stand up in the terminal when it's perfectly calm but they think it's absolutely necessary to do this when the plane is like a ping pong in the air. NOT! COOL!  They then decide to sit down once the plane feels like it's not even moving....

All I have to say is beware of the clotter.

P.S. I am not an ageist I just think you should sit down when a plane is bouncing....

Blake = Best! Judge! Ever!

Reasons why Blake is the best coach on The Voice:

1. He fully admits to having an alcoholic drink in a Starbuck's cup. Pretty sure everyone who has a job thinks, "Why couldn't I be like Blake and spike my Starbuck's at the office?"
2. When most of us try to give a compliment while being semi-drunk it typically comes off as offensive. Blake on the other hand gives great compliments and gets people to join his team. 
3. Refer to bullets 2 and 3. 

#TeamBlake

Manscaping Hints Gone Wrong

I really think there are easier ways for this Mom to tell someone in her town that he should probably manscape.......

Dating Predictions for Kris and Bruce.....

Here are my predictions for Season 10 of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.  As the entire world has predicted Kris is going black and is definitely going to hit it with Drake. I already see some of the episode titles "Kris to Get Vag Rejuventation for Drake, Daughters are Jealous."

Bruce is going to dip his toe into another pond. I say he is going to date RuPaul. Picture it now their media name will be BRUP.  The nice part is he will not even need a wig if they decide he is going to be the lady.....why do I see Khloe fully embracing BRUP and telling Kris to go F off.

As a side note I find it fascinating that Kris' hair is more masculine at times than Bruces...just a side note!

Auditioning for the Voice!

As I sit here and I watch the Voice I say to myself, "BBZ....why don't you audition?" Most people would start with the response, "I can't sing."

My response, "I have no dramatic background story." Here's the deal, everyone on this show has some emotional story..."My XYZ died....I couldn't speak English....I had to raise my family.......blah blah blah....I found solace in music."  What would I say, "I got hemorrhoids and it caused extraordinary pain at which point I found solace in singing I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston."  Seriously I feel like they are discriminating against those of us who don't have the sap story....

Cruising....never a good idea!

While there is many reasons not to go on a cruise I typically answer with three words, "Costa Concordia.....Buffets." Both to me are disasters...you are either going to end up on the bottom of the ocean floor or sitting on a toilet for days on a floating port potty! NO BIEN! I now have a picture to explain why I would never go on a cruise. The below is an actual picture of a cruise ship de-boarding yesterday....evidence #1 and evidence #2 on why cruising is a bad idea. Picture being stranded at sea with these two or worst yet...waking up after a nice nap by the pool and these two are in thongs next to you!

What do the White House and Sharting have in Common...Al Roker!

Now there are plenty of memorable interviews that have happened over the last decade but I would say Al Roker's interview on Dateline may take the cake as one of the best. Reasons why this conversation will go down in history as one of the best. 

• Grown man admits to sharting - the act of farting but then shitting your pants
• Grown man admits to sharting in the WHITE HOUSE
• Grown man admits to sharting in the WHTIE HOUSE then going COMMANDO (no underwear) in the WHITE HOUSE

I honestly can't think of a more memorable interview....below is a quick recap of the actual dialogue. 

"When you have a bypass and your bowels [have] been reconstructed, you think you're pretty safe," Roker told Dateline's Nancy Snyderman .

"And I probably went off and ate something I wasn't supposed to. And as I'm walking to the press room … I gotta pass a little gas here. I'm walking by myself. Who's gonna know? Only a little something extra came out," the news anchor explains.

"You pooped in your pants," Snyderman says.

"I pooped my pants. Not horribly, but enough that I knew," Roker answers.

You Know You Suck When....

UGHHHH....she is definitely like genital warts...she just NEVER goes AWAY!!!! In her latest attempt to be relevant to the world she is now trying to sue MTV for defamation..HILARIOUS! She wanted Gloria Alfred  to represent her and got shot down. You clearly know you suck when Gloria turns your sorry ass down. #trash

Downer Douche Dad of the Decade

If you thought Kelsey Grammer was an idiot for cheating on his bombshell of a wife, Camille Grammer with the airline stewardship it just got worse. Yes in fact he can prove he is even more stupid with his parenting schools. Where in the hell is protective services with this douche bag dad!?!?! First, he brings his child to a Playboy Mansion.....I'm not sure if Mom would even approve me going to a Playboy Mansion Party at 29! Not having a sitter does not constitute a reason to go to the Mansion party....it means stay home.  TODAY we now learn the happy couple decided take a ride with their infant in the stewardesses arms...no car seat. I think this definitely constitutes Downer Douche Dad of the Decade. (Please note I still think Pops Lohan is still the worst of the century)

Marching Band Shit Talkers

As a former marching band (high school) person and current college football lover I find it necessary to comment on the all essential college marching band shit talker. Watching football every Sunday I love when the camera crew scans the marching band and there is the 130lb white kid who is talking shit to the football team.  It cracks me up that the kid weighs maybe 130 when wet and wearing a hat with a feather plum and he is talking shit to a group of guys who could destroy him. #SaturdayAmericana

Stating the Obvious...Taylor Swift Style

In this week's Parade magazine Taylor Swift commented that she doesn't get over break up fasts. NO SHIT! Clearly she doesn't get it over fast when she has time to write a song, produce a song and then market it all about that one break up. You can always tell the news industry doesn't have a lot to report on when they state the obvious. I mean this is like writing a news article that announces that Washington D.C. is the capital of the United States.

Lohan and Sheen

I read on TMZ.com that Charlie Sheen paid Lindsay Lohan's $100K tax bill. Supposedly they became friends while filming Scary Movie 5. The first thought that came to my mind was MATCH! MADE! IN! HEAVEN! Can you imagine what would happen if these two got married and then had offspring. KRAZY with a K!!!!  I think it would be awesome....they could get married at Passages and then film the next Passages commercial. BRILLIANT!

Black Friday Shopper Classification

Yesterday, I told my self I would give the Black Friday shopping experience a try. While I know God did not bless me with the gift of patience I thought I would be able to handle it. Well I was 100% incorrect, within 5 minutes of stepping into the mall I wanted to punch myself in the face and throw a couple hundred people in the mall fountain. During my anger raged fill run to the nearest exit I noticed there were several types of shoppers in the mall.  I have classified Black Friday shoppers into several groups: 

Group #1 "The Crazies" - This is the group we see on the news all the time. They have done everything imaginable to save $20 on that 10" LCD flat screen at Walmart. They have parked their ass on the sidewalk 48 hours beforehand, skipped Thanksgiving dinner and possibly have worn Depends just to get that awful 10" TV. They are relentless and they will trample anyone in their way to get a deal.

Group #2 "Family Bonders" - The Family Bonders get their t-shirts and matching outfits several weeks before Black Friday and strategically plan which stores they will hit up right after they clean all the dishes from Thanksgiving dinner. Take note...they make look innocence in matching clothes but just remember they are a gang and turn violent in numbers.

Group #4 "Pain in the Ass" -  The "Pain in the Ass" Group are the people who are completely helpless and  can't do anything for themselves so they waste every store associates time looking for something that is typically right in front of their face.  For some reason they think they are the only people in the store and will be relentless to have a personal shopper in a mass or department store.

Group #5 "Dads"  - No Black Friday Blog would be complete without a photo of the most miserable group of all "Dads." These men are doing their most horrible role of the year....watching the kids while the Moms are filing through the stores looking for the most popular toys of the year. These Dads hate the mall on a normal day and hate it even more on Black Friday 

One Hell of An Exit

These two news anchors sure now how to make an exit....right on camera rolling live. Now that my friends take some major balls....